A Mother's Love

Sometimes I wonder how I got to where I am. Sometimes things are so much harder because of the choices I've made, but hey it all works itself out. For instance, this weekend I got up before 6 am both days and didn't really have much time to myself or to do what I really wanted to do. It was filled with making bottles, changing diapers, watching my son so he didn't hurt himself. It was never what I set out to do, but you know what? Today my son took seven whole steps toward me...and he smiled. A little boy that I love more than anything smiled at me. He walked toward me and looked in my eyes. All weekend he looked into my eyes for what he needed most, even if it was just to know I was there...and that it worth every sleepless night that lies ahead. I'm his mom and will do whatever it takes to make sure he knows I am always there for him. I love this family so much and promise them that even if the odds now a days aren't that good, this will last...because it's supposed to.

-Cori Contreras
11/5/2006

The Drive

Once upon a time, in a time when things weren't as calm and certain as they are now I was having a bad day. I had a lot of bad days back then. A certain someone who has done a lot of things to hurt me had called me some horrible names and had his friends call me and call me horrible names. I was doing the best that I could, I had a brand new baby son and was overwhelmed. What should I have done? I was inconsolable. My son had brought me such happiness, but I was constantly badgered and hurt by these people who had no idea who I was or what I needed. I packed my baby up in the car and started driving. It seemed whenever I sincerely needed someone there was one person who was consistently there. So I drove to him. Even if he didn't say anything, I knew. I drove and cried and then I cried and drove. I eventually pulled over somewhere and just talked to him and cried some more. When I finally gathered myself we started driving home this song came on the radio and we both just stopped to listen to it, to actually hear it. And we found out who it was and so last night when I heard this band sing, it all came back to me. Just last week, I was working on our family scrapbook and came across a note he wrote me. That's what we did we wrote eachother when we weren't texting eachother or calling eachother or being with eachother. This note was written before Vincent was born and he was just a crazy kickin machine in mom's belly. He said "and I'm just really going to start saving up money so we can be together. I will do everything I can to support you and the baby." The baby didn't even have a name yet, but it doesn't matter. I look at what we have today and sometimes forget how hard I've had to work for it. How none of it really came easy. But all of those tearful nights and hard goodbyes are worth it to see him rock our baby to sleep and to think about our new little addition.
I was trying to be happy. People told me that my happiness didn't matter. But it absolutely did. Screw you if you didn't think I was worthy of being happy, because I am now. Happiness is described so many different ways. But to me, my happiness was my heart telling my head that everything was going to be ok.

-Cori Contreras
03/30/2007

Thoughts Written

i dont know where to go from here
to know where next i have to know where i am now
and where is that?
i've been thru too much
to even take a step
yet when it comes to listing my tragedies
no words come to mind
these events that have broken my heart
are not individual but a whirlwind of mistakes and regrets

-Cori Contreras
09/06/2005

An Apology of Sorts

Life is a crazy thing. Who knows how you get where you end up? If it were possible to go back and live some parts over again I would do it in a second. I've hurt too many people and made too many bad decisions. But I guess that's how it goes. Unconditional love is a scary thing and is bad for the heart. It would be easier if people could just forget about you when you hurt them but when their love for you is so deep that nothing will allow them to forget you, it hurts you because you know how much pain you have caused them and that there is absolutely nothing you can do to repair it. I wish it was possible to make them not love me, it would be so much better for them. But just to everyone who has any idea what I'm talking about and thinks I might be talking about you, I probably am and I'm sorry!

-Cori Contreras
11/03/2005

I Am Tired

I am tired. I am tired of it all. But that little fact right there makes it worth it. I'm tired of people recruiting other people to come after me and tell me to keep my legs shut. I'm tired of being called a stupid cunt by a person who I gave a lot to. I'm tired of being called a bad mom. I'm tired of people putting on a show on who they are but being something totally different in reality. My child deserves better. So basically, you all know who you are. And don't you dare tell me I'm not going to see my son and that you are going to be his mom. You have never seen Vincent and the only way you will is by coming over to my house and he is too proud to do that. I love my son and would and am doing anything for him. I'm happy and sorry if some of you don't like that. After you are called a stupid cunt, you just can't go home to that person, make sense? I'm really not this bitchy or mean or any of that. I'm just tired of being made out to be this whore. And I'm sure I'll get a bazillion comments telling me a million different things that they have heard about me but so be it. My child will see what I do for him and what other people don't do. I love you, my child.

-Cori Contreras
3/26/2006

The Star I Longed For

I stood outside one night staring up into the sky- at was once the only beauty I felt existed in this life. To my surprise a star began to shine liike I've never seen a star shine before. This star was a one and only of its kind and I knew that the moment I saw it. I was amazed and went out every night to witness its beauty. There were some nights it never came out and I would go inside feeling somewhate empty and wondering to myself why? Why would it suddenly disappear and leave me to look up at all the other ordinary stars? I just didn't understand. Until one night, unexpectedly it wasn't a star that appeared. They were your eyes and in your eyes I saw that star I so very longed for. I saw how it never stopped shining and how it only went away fro a short while just to burn brighter for me. I saw how this beautiful star will always be there for me. All I have to do is look into beautiful eyes.

-Jeremy Eugene Contreras
5/26/2006

"Be Yourself. No One can tell you you're doing it wrong."

I've seen you question everything you've done in your life and it has reached a point where I don't think you even know who you are anymore. Remember when we were kids and lived like we were the only two people left in the world? I think it felt that way because we didn't feel the need to fit in with ever person we came int contact with. Yes, we were only children then and we're all grown up now, but wasn't it nice to know exactly who we were?

-Jeremy Eugene Contreras
8/26/09